Returning to a First Love

Returning to a First Love

Whew when I tell you that sometimes being strong is one of the most challenging things for me to be.

It’s well to my advantage and good fortune that when I am weak (which is more than a little bit), the GOD INSIDE OF ME is there to make me strong IF I allow Him. How many times do we spout off these words and make all these professions, yet DO NOT DEFER to the POWER or the SOURCE WITHIN us? It’s the most mindless thing really… to have ALL OF THIS POWER, ALL OF THIS ACCESS and yet never REALLY REALLY call upon it until the most desperate of times.

I remember it being said that during 911 many people were ‘calling upon the LORD’ in their last breaths and last moments of life and/or fear. Why is it that we call in times of trouble, in times of despair, in times of pain? I guess for the very same reason as parents we watch our children living their lives thinking they know everything with an invincible outlook, only to have them run to us for their refuge and rescue when the decisions they’ve made have brought about consequences they cannot handle or forge alone. It is obviously a human condition because I believe we do the same things during this lifetime.

Again, I would also venture to say that there is a semi-acknowledgement of some form of gratefulness and mention of thanks when times are good. It’s easy to say thank you for we are creatures of habit and the normal inclined response when someone has given you something is to say thank you. So when times are good we say thank you to GOD and keep it moving.

So here we are, using our reflexive response in saying thank you when He has given something to us or done something for us. Reaching for his extended arm of protection and seeking cover when we need to be hid, protected, or saved from ourselves and/or our decisions. There’s something about this particular recipe that does not seem tasteful at all. There’s something being lost in the sauce or rather the middle of both extremes if you will.

It would seem to me that as with any other love relationship, the one that is NURTURED, FED, INDULGED IN, TREASURED and VALUED is the one that will always have the solid foundation and yield the best results. I know that what you do not nurture will die, and what you feed will grow. It is and has always been our choice. We are given the freedom to choose who and what we will feed. I have lived 42 years of my life feeding these emotions, this sentimental heart, this jumping jack flash flesh of mine, and this insecure mind. I am so grateful that as I am evolving, this SHIFT is happening and I am securely HOLDING ON, and courageously GOING WITH THE FLOW.

Since it is my choice and has always been my choice, there is no big conspiracy theory for me to project blame upon. There’s no victimizing my traumas and past, even those experienced as a child for while they were beyond my control, they didn’t kill me and I’m still here. That is all that matters. I will no longer find myself frustrated from others when they lack the compassion or extension of kindness and consideration I give to them… why? Because I GIVE IT. What you GIVE you should always give freely without the expectation of anything in return. That is how I live. I enjoy having a GIVING heart. I am learning how to curb my enthusiasm in that area as well and really be prudent to how much I give, and who I give what to.

I have always been a person who has always given WAYYY too much and WAYY too fast. I fall first and ask questions later. Silly me. LOL. So now I am taking the advice of a friend of mine and I am pulling out all the stops and rolling with THE ONE and THE ONLY who has never forsaken me and always proved loyal through me, my mistakes, and my shenanigans.

I have decided to choose what’s behind door number 2 going forward and make that MY DOOR #1. I’m returning to my first love, the love who created me and gave me life. I’ve decided to invest all of my energy, gifts, skills, talents and the very best parts of who I am into THAT RELATIONSHIP rather than any relationship I would want to have on this earth. I am learning to FEED and NURTURE HIM, and just enjoy myself with all of the other hims he would place on this journey for me to enjoy in the meantime, until the HIM presents HIMSELF before myself as a reflection in him.